Last night, I lay tired and frustrated by my wife's side. It was about 9:50 and the noise of the previous weeks and the evening was engulfing me and would not let go. I had told my wife about my frustration in how in so much of our marriage she would not stop parenting and I needed a break.
In addition, a family member of mine who is in serious trouble is in the area and needing a great deal of help.
Although she wore a favorite red top of mine and a red thong, I didn't touch her.
Emotionally, I lay drained and while wanting to be aroused and make love I could feel a sullenness gripping me. I turned over, hugged a pillow and drifted fitfully to sleep. Then the baby cried - my wife got up to see her and settle her down.
There are no easy answers except to say I continue to be the decision-maker.
Yes, I want to feel her thighs and touch her softly below her navel. I want to enjoy the fabric that is so soft and let my hand linger between her legs. I want to kiss her in the ear and pull her close to me.
But I also want quiet. I want stillness and I want the world to not rush so rapidly. I want the yelling among the kids to stop and I want those who are sick to find the help they need.
I want to feel rejuvenated in order to meet those needs.
This is where fantasy and reality collide and where taking time to refresh is so necessary.
Yet, slowing down is so hard.